HI UNCLE BUD!!

Announcer: He’s folksy, he’s salty, at times a mite tipsy, welcome back to HI UNCLE BUD!, The show where Uncle Bud helps his friends and relations over life’s little speed bumps, and doles out advice and wisdom as he sips from the flask by his hip. And now, from his very own front porch, he’s gonna get around to fixin’ that leak real soon…….Hi Uncle Bud!!!

Uncle Bud: Huh, wazzat? Oh, hi…phew!…. Uncle Bud was just daydreaming, folks. Here, let me sit up straight in this here rockin’ chair and re-pack the ol’ corncob and snip a little hair off the ol’ dog afore muh company arrives, Yowsa! That’s one hairy dog! And now….. Honey, my flask is gettin low out here, can ye git that for me? Git it myself? Myself’ll git you a knot on the….why, there’s Little Billy now.  He ain’t so little anymore, drivin’ an ol’ Chevy 4×4.
(aside to audience)Y’see, Little Billy is Murph’s boy, or thinks he is. So does Murph, but I hears that a certain County meter-reader….. why Little Billy, what a surprise!

Little Billy: Hi Uncle Bud! I hope y…

Uncle Bud: You got yerself a little problem, I betcha, and ol’ Uncle Bud is right here, son. Have a seat. Now why doncha tell me what’s got your mind a’goin’ this way and that, boy? Ah, my manners! Care for a little eye-opener?

Little Billy: No, thanks, Uncle Bud, y’see, my girl an…

Uncle Bud: (slaps knee)Yep, I knew it! You young-uns and yer sparkin’! I was a young lad once,  ‘course I was! You ain’t as dumb ’bout wimmenfolk as your daddy Murph(winks at audience), is you? Shore hope not(winks again). I did my share of courtin’ back in the day, broke my share of hearts, yessir. I learned ’bout the female sex, and I bet you need some answers, so get it off your chest,  tell ol’ Uncle Bud.

Little Billy: Yeah, ok. Annie and me, we…

Uncle Bud: That would be your gal? Annie?

Little Billy: Yes, Uncle Bud, and w…

Uncle Bud: She Lou’s little’n? Shoot, I ain’t seen that sweet flower of youth since she was a’peein’ in pink jammies! Here, lemme wet my whistle, ahhhhh! Yeah, I bet she grew up into a fine-lookin’ lassie, and you think you’re in love, boy? Don’t be a fool! That’s the hormones talkin’. You’re young, don’t get tied to home plate yet, play the field. I was a good shortstop…

Little Billy: No, she ain’t Lou’s daughter, She’s a Cockrell, I met her at a church social..

Uncle Bud: Have drink with me

Little Billy: No thanks, some of Aunt Honey’s iced tea would be nice…

Uncle Bud: You don’t wanna drink with me? You’re too good to drink with kin?

Little Billy: You ain’t kin, you’re Uncle Bud to everybody ’round here, Uncle Bud. I don’t drink. You s….

Uncle Bud: Trouble with girls eh? Lemme tell ya, the way you young fellers dress, you’re lucky to get any girls to have trouble with. You gotta look sharp, son. Slick back that hair, wear good cologne, keep a bottle of the fancy corn squeezin’s on the shelf, and re-fill it with the cheap stuff, the label impresses the gals, it does, hee-hee! Speakin’ of, here! Wanna drink?

Little Billy: No! look, me and Annie, we just wanna know….

Uncle Bud: You done got her pregnant! I knew it! Boy, you’re as dim-witted as the guy you think your daddy is, Son, don’t you..

Little Billy: No, we…I….  wait, what about Dad?

Uncle Bud: Nuttin. Just never you mind, Uncle Bud’s tongue gets slippery when lubricated. Speakin’ of…..this slug woulda been yours….Ahh!  So you done got in a family way with this Annie. Ain’t I tol’ you young-uns about skinny-dippin’? Strategic withdrawal? There’s more’n one place t’park the car, but you just hadta go put it in th….

Little Billy: SHE ISN’T PREGNANT! We haven’t even…. Dang, Uncle Bud, you put that flask down and listen! We just wanna know who booked you and Aunt Honey that Branson trip last summ….

Uncle Bud: Dang whippersnapper! Don’t turn down a drink and raise your voice at me! I was in the War, boy! I got stories  would curl your hair! ….Guys would come to my window to pick up their mail, tell me stuff you would not wanna go through, b’lieve me! It was Hell…yeah, I drink….. Ungrateful little punk!

Little Billy: Screw this! I’m outta here!

Uncle Bud: Yeah! G’wan, git! You don’ wanna listen…I’m tryin’ to help yew! The thanks I get, I oughtta…. Honey, I’m low on fuel! Yeah, I’ll get it myself, in a minute, I feel like a nap…… (flask drops to floor) zzzzzz….

Announcer: Who will seek Uncle Bud’s wisdom next week? Will it be an affair of the heart? A question of a fiscal nature? A broke butter churn(chuckle)? Well, to find out, just tune in next Saturday, every Saturday, to HI UNCLE BUD (music….fade….)

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4 responses to this post.

  1. I have had this plan to be one pain in the ass when old. I am not going to sulk in a corner over my wrinkled skin, feeble bones. Noways.

    Reply

    • You will love the rest of my Uncle Bud posts, then. He works in small-town radio and TV, a media form for which I have a nostalgic fondness.

      Reply

      • Just realized some new post of yours, i missed. Will catch up this weekend. How have you been? I wonder how you celebrate Christmas or just a regular affair..

  2. I buy gifts for a few select family and friends, but I am not a believer, so the day itself means little to me, except the double pay I get for working on Xmas.

    Reply

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