(The opening riff from Whole Lotta Love, by Led Zeppelin fades in. The
announcer starts his spiel

From the nation’s heartland, a man who talks straight from the heart, a
man whose heart is in the right pl…

Uncle Bud: Turn that hippie crapola off! I said I want Merle Haggard!
Fightin’ Side of Me! Which one of you slacker crackheads…what are you
pointin’ at? What red light? Oh, … Hello out there, Welcome back to
the Uncle Bud Tells it Like He Sees it Show. The show where we take
on the liberal elite, the powers that be, the intellectuals, the liberal
elite…what! Yeah, ok. And we take your calls, America. The little
lights are all flashing, so let’s get to it.

But first, I just gotta say. This Obama fellow, this guy wants to talk to
our kids about stayin’ in school? Yeah, that’s his business, whether my
kid learns or not. But no matter, he is leaving out a bunch of kids, and
I wanna know why. Why is he not broadcasting to these home schools? How
are they supposed to hear about his socialism? His inspirational
yadda-yadda about growing up muslim in Africa?  What are these kids
supposed to do, skip home and go to school to watch the speech? I’m just
sayin,.. Ok let’s take a call before my engineer has a cow.

Our first call is from Ellen, in Cedar Rapids. Hello, you’re on the air.

Caller: Hello?
Uncle Bud: Hello Ellen, what’s your question?
Caller: Am I on the air?
Uncle Bud: Yes Ellen, go ahead.
Caller: Hi Uncle Bud. I have a question. I am unemployed, and cannot get
insurance, and I have a tumor that the doctors say..
Uncle Bud: Hahahah! Skip home! phhhhpp!
Caller: What?!?
Uncle Bud: Nuthin’ hun. Go on, we don’t have all night, you got a tumor,
Caller: Yes, and it’s malignant, and I cannot afford the operation..
Uncle Bud: Get a loan.
Caller: I have no job, Uncle Bud.  My savings are gone..
Uncle Bud: You got a home, tap the principle, that’s what I did, for the
court-ordered rehab. Bastards, what’s wrong with drinkin’ in the privacy
of my own vehic…
Caller: I have no principal, I am four payments behind, I’m gonna lose
my house, I can’t get medical care…
Uncle Bud: I see where this pity party is going. Alice, it’s all
Caller: It’s Ellen
Uncle Bud:  Who’s Ellen?
Caller: Me, and I don’t want pity, I need to know if…
Uncle Bud: you need to know if you can have some of my hard-earned
money( pre-recorded sound of toilet flushing), sorry. Hello! You’re on
the air.
Caller: Hi Uncle Bud! My name is Dave, and I disagree with what you
Uncle Bud: Hello, you’re on the air.
Caller: Hi Bud! This is Hiram, in Davenport, and I just wanted to say I
think Obama is a good presi..
Uncle Bud: Hello you’re on the air
Caller: Hi Uncle Bud! This is Carl, and I wish McCain had been voted in,
died, and Sarah Palin was our President now.
Uncle Bud: Yeppers, that is is one smart heifer. She tells it like she
sees it, and she sees real good. Go on .
Caller: Well, She would get rid of the deaf panels, stop the socialist
medias from criticizin’ everything sacred, and put prayer back in
the schools and airports. And we could wear guns at work an’ all.
Uncle Bud:

Caller: Hello?
Uncle Bud:Ok, I’m Back! Sorry ’bout that. Had a lizard to drain and a
whistle to wet. So, you got guns, do you?
Caller: Yessir! I have an authentic German army officer Luger, an Ak-47,
and a bolt-action 30-30 that my gramps left me. The trigger needs some
work, but..
Uncle Bud: You changed the spring?
Caller: Yeah, but I think the guy used a spring from a different model.
Uncle Bud: Stay on the line. I’ll give you the name of my guy during the
break. He can automate that AK for you too, Carl, if you haven’t done it
Caller: Sure, thanks!
Uncle Bud: Glad to be of service, Carl. Good night now
Caller: Good ni..
Uncle Bud: And they say I never help anyone. Hello! you’re on the air
Caller: Uncle Bud? Do you believe in God?
Uncle Bud:
Caller: Uncle Bud? Martin here, uh, are you a Christian?
Uncle Bud:
Caller: You know, the body is a temple, and I feel that you maybe defile
your temple with excessive dr…
Uncle Bud: Ok, I’m Back! That whistle is a harsh taskmaster, brp! ‘scuse me.
Now, you got some problem?
Caller: I’m just worried about your soul, Unc..
Uncle Bud: Jesus drank! Wine, remember? And he consorted with whores,
too, you got somethin to say to me about that? You ain’t gotta whore
there, boy, then don’t talk to me!
Caller: my wife is not a w… (sound of toilet flushing)
Uncle Bud: Ok, time to pay the piper, we’re gonna take a break while you
listen to why you should buy a car from, from,..Tony! who’s that assh..
(Intro to Clash’ Rock the Casbah starts up, the announcer talks over the
Announcer: Uncle Bud will be right back after these messagescrkkkkkktt!
Uncle Bud: I said no hippie shit! Listen to me! No one listens…to me
(sob!)..get your hands off me…..

Here is a link to previous episodes of  Uncle Bud’s various shows

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