UNDEAD PRESIDENTS, or the what might have been dept.

January 12, 2014


Nation’s 1st Vampire Pres Assesses 1st Year in Office

” ….and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me God”.  And with those words,  a year ago today, America became the first nation to have a self-admitted Vampire as President. His address to the Congress later in the week will emphasize how little has changed, and how the fears of some were, for the most part, unfounded.  The ‘blood tax’ is an ugly term for a worthy cause, namely, tax breaks for blood and plasma donors. “I don’t care much for plasma,” The President said, “Too thin for my taste.”

Promising to be “A President for all the people, living or dead,” and to bring “change, real change, to Washington“,  the President has indeed upended the status quo, with his midnight press conferences, his energy-saving ideas, most of which concern turning off streetlights and encouraging Americans to “get out and walk more, take in that healthy foggy night air.”

The President, whose hobbies include chiropterology*,  hunting,  and ‘making new friends’, acknowledges that his election, while a great step forward for hemophagic-Americans, has not ended the prejudice and ignorance with which many Americans still view Vampires.

They shrink from us,” Said POTUS 45. ‘”They call us bloodsuckers, they call us the undead, evil, monsters, Fang Boy. Can you imagine the pain such harsh words, spoken in ignorance and fear,  induce in the breast of a young school-age vampire, who must endure such hatred for the rest of his life, as vampires don’t age?

The President, who rode into office on a wave of  ‘Anyone but Obama’ hysteria, got off to a rocky start with his insistence that he personally carry out all executions in federal prisons, although his critics on the right were delighted with his solution for emptying the prison at Gitmo of the “problem detainees”.

They were no problem at all,”  Said the President. “in fact, they were quite delightful

Then came the awkward ‘Pardon’ of the White House Thanksgiving turkey, the video of which was the most popular one on YouTube this year, with 3 1/2 million hits.  The President has apologized  to all the children present for losing control and stressed that the bird felt no pain whatsoever.  The nation’s restaurants balked at the new requirement to carry at least 3 blood types on their menu, but Pundits point out that attacks on other patrons have dropped by 13.2% since the law was passed, and the latest Rasmussen poll shows that Americans from ages 20-35 would rather have a vampire for president than one who doesn’t know how to text.

Asked about his plans for his second year, the President ticked off items using his fingers.

“One, we are still pushing for a Secretary of the Night. Two, a blood czar, to co-ordinate transfers of stored blood from banks to disaster sites. Giving the FDA inspection power over the nation’s blood supply makes sense. If some Americans use blood for food, shouldn’t they be able to trust its safety? I plan to ask Congress to fund research into eliminating blood stains from clothes, curtains, and bedding. And we’re pretty excited about the advances being made in creating a cheap, safe, artificial blood.”

When asked if his agenda wasn’t a little narrow, the president, usually cool as a corpse, got a little hot under the cape. “Hey, It’s called focus. I get this all done, then we can concentrate on jobs, the declining dollar, terrorism, war, meth addiction, worsening schools, moral decay, crumbling infrastructure, and air and water pollution. First things first.”

*study of bats

7 responses to this post.

  1. I am amazed the way Dow has paced up last week, pushing the emerging markets along. This is what I do, to sustain. I’m a trader in equities but to be honest, I have no damn clue where we heading.


  2. Oh boy, G. You’re going to get into trouble for this expose! All’s I’m sayin is, I hope you’ve got plenty of garlic.


  3. Posted by James McPherson on January 16, 2013 at 3:22 am

    An unrelated issue that I thought might interest you. You know the old saying about the inmates taking over the asylum? I dropped in to check on our old friend and see that total surrender has occurred: http://therionorteline.com/2013/01/14/the-rnl-goes-borg-or-well-soon-assimilate-another-blog-page/

    Any guesses on what will happen under G.I. Joe? My prediction: The readership and credibility will continue to decrease to nonexistent, especially since we’re given up helping them, since the merchant marine (to his credit) doesn’t seem all that comfortable with number-boosting “Rule 5” posts, and since sane folks will quickly be bored by talk of succession. At least the resident proctologist will have more time for “practicing” medicine, and perhaps both will contribute a few bucks to their fearless leader’s ill-fated campaign for the legislature of whatever state he decides has a cool name.

    Happy New Year!


  4. On my last visit to the RNL, I told Ameche he was full of crap. I decided that was a perfect statement for the host and his minions as well.
    Sure miss your insightful posts hope you are having s happy new year.


    • Posted by James McPherson on January 18, 2013 at 3:00 pm

      Thanks for the kind words. I’m having a great start to the year–spending time with family over the holidays, then most of January in New York (where I am now) and then on to D.C. with a dozen college students. I do it every other year, taking them to about 20 media-related sites; this year those include C-SPAN, PBS, the New York Times graphics department, Human Events magazine, a couple of PR firms, and Bloomberg News. We’ll also be in D.C. during the Inauguration, as we were four years ago. I expect it will be slightly warmer and less crowed this time around.

      I hope all is well with you.


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