A Mis-INFOMERCIAL

 

Announcer: Well folks, it’s that day of the week and, according to my watch, that time of day. That time of day when we once again bring you that hard-hitting, consumer-oriented half hour….

So You Think This Is A Real Show?

(Applause from audience, 13 people who were induced to participate with the promise of a free Grand Slam breakfast at Denny’s.)

Announcer: And now, the host of  the show, consumer advocate, professor emeritus at four or more universities, winner of the prestigious ‘Innie’ award from the National Academy of Late-Night Infomercial Presenters and Producers, Mr. Silver Tongue three years in a row, the man with the plan, and the sun-bronzed tan, Dr. Wes Youngman!

(The crowd goes crazy until the ‘GO CRAZY’ light is turned off. Camera two focuses on a couple in a mock-up of a suburban kitchen. The man is six-foot six, head full of gorgeous white hair, and has the body of a Marine. His partner is a bubbly blonde with a smile permanently plastered on her face.)

Wes: Wow! What an excited, hopped-up crowd, Sandy!

Sandy: Yes, Wes. Maybe they saw last week’s show, when I shucked your cob for you.

(A gasp from the crowd, then a shout)

Crowd member: Hey! My kids are here!

Wes: And if they had been here last week, your adorable kids, along with every other member of the audience, would have received a free RinkiCorn-Cob Shucker™. That was an exciting show, especially your ‘made like a Hoover’ segment.

Sandy: Believe me, I enjoyed Hoovering it while you drove as much as you did, maybe more.

(murmers in crowd, the same guy shouts again)

Same Guy: I thought this was a family show…

Wes: And it is. What family wouldn’t want a Dinky Mitey-Suck™? The miniature car vacuum cleaner that is made like a Hoover, but sells for half the price?

Same Guy: Oh…but don’t you guys know what that mea…

Wes: So, Sandy. What is on your mind this week?

Sandy: Wes, I thought I might toss your salad for you.

Wes: That would be great, Sandy! (looks to the off-screen audience) Who wants to watch Sandy toss my salad? Sandy, get behind me here, and I’ll tell you how I like my salad tossed.

Sandy: Glad to, Boss!

(same guy stands up, takes his kids’ hands, and starts for the side of the stage)

Wes: Don’t go before we pass out these neat Hinky Salad Tossers™!

Sandy: That’s right, Wes. Now, housewives, you can toss your husband’s salad while talking to your Mother on the phone. And with the twin speed and duration controls, you can tailor the tossing to please your man, and he can do the same for you. Just look at that salad go, Wes!

Wes: This item is really creating quite a sensation, Sandy.

Sandy: I know, Wes. Just the other day, I heard my daughter and her boyfriend talk about getting their salads tossed. And to think, as late as last year, I couldn’t even get her to eat her spinach!

Wes: How quickly they grow up.

Sandy: Wes, now that I’ve tossed your salad, how about a French kiss?

Audience members: Eeuwwww…

Wes: Sandy, you deserve not one, but two French Kisses. (Wes reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out two silver shiny objects.) Made like the American kisses, by the finest French Chocolatiers.

Sandy: (eats one of the chocolates, her eyes roll back in her head) I love French Kisses™! Don’t we have one more item on our little agenda, Wes?

Wes: As a matter of fact, we do. Sandy, I undertand you are planning to drive to the other side of town to get your pussy stuffed?

Sandy: Word does get around doesn’t it? Yes, it’s true. I hate going that far, but my poor old pussy needs stuffing, and there are men across the tracks, rough men, but they know how to do it right.

(Audience members mutter and shake their heads): “Freaking clueless”…”what planet…?”….”I’m outta here, this crap is junk, anyway”….

Wes: Now you don’t have to, Sandy. You can stuff poor old Whiskers in the comfort of your own home with Bunko’s new Home Taxidermy Kit™.

Sandy: And I can pose him in any position I want…

Wes: And with the optional artificial joint kit, a mere39.95plus 3.95S&Hin12easypaymentsof19.95amonth, you can change the position at anytime with a screwdriver!

Sandy(trying out the screwdriver on a knee-joint from the kit): Could you give me a good screw, Wes?

Wes: The only kind I give, Sandy. Well, we’ve about run out of time, people…people? Well, I guess they all ran out to try the fantastic products we tested today. Silly folks, they woulda got a free disposable camera along with the Denny’s breakfast, if they had stayed to the end….

Sandy: And I was going to give them all a golden shower!

Wes: Too bad, I guess next week’s audience will get a Golden Shower™, the garden hose that tells you where to put it….(closing music starts and credits roll)

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