Holyland—all-day passes available for 45.99

A town in Kentucky will soon be the site of a replica of Noah’s Ark http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/02/27/ark-encounter-theme-park/5881323/…. It is being built by the same people who own the Creation Museum that operates in a nearby town.

Now, I understand how some fussy people, overly obsessed with facts and reason, might object to the display on scientific, logical, and historical grounds. How could one family build such a large boat? How did they manage to squeeze two of every animal on Earth into a structure approximately 1/1000 the size of what would actually be necessary? One pair of animals lacks the genetic diversity to ensure the perpetuation of a species….yadda yadda yadda…..! Where were these nit-pickers when Disneyland was built? Talking mice don’t bother you, as long as they aren’t praying in public?
Well, I applaud the people of Williamstown, KY (town motto: Looking Backward At Tomorrow). This park will employ many folks and, at the rate of pay one can expect from faith-based businesses, that should mean an extra $15-20 per employee pumped into the local economy, before taxes and tithes, that is.
Look, we’re a Christian nation! Simulated depictions of Biblical events are important to the American psyche, and I think we can expect to see more, not less, must-see, gotta-go-to, Christian-themed attractions across America,places like these:

1) VENGEANCE-LAND–re-enacted, audio-animatronic, and acted-out depictions of God’s righteous fury. Once you pay, you step onto a moving sidewalk, and are ‘swallowed’ by a whale, in whose bowels, on the right, await the lions who don’t care for bald jokes. Coming up on your left, as we pass over the River of Blood, are the singing Dead Kids of Egypt.. As you squeeze out into daylight and fresh air once again, you will want to head for the next showing of the sack of Jericho. A brass band brings down the wall every hour on the half-hour. The raping and pillaging in the name of the Lord, as acted out by some amazing actors culled from regional high schools and stables, will fill the Soul and inspire the Spirit, yeah verily. After you’ve whipped a Pharisee or stoned a homosexual, don’t forget to visit the gift shop and pick up a statue of Lot’s wife, made from an actual block of salt.
2) Our Saviour’s Fish-n-Chips- The best fried fish around, but its popularity has worked against them. Instead of getting all-you-can-eat, there may be a wait of up to 40 days. ‘Fast’ food has a different meaning here.
3) Christian History World–The sun never sets on these depictions of vignettes ranging from the beginning of Earth’s 6000 years to the end of time. The main attraction is the hourly parade, led by Jesus and the Apostles riding their dinosaurs, followed by Abraham, Jacob, Joseph and his brothers, walking ten paces ahead of their wives. Plan on staying all day, as the employees disappear as part of the ‘Celebration of the Rapture’. The time varies, but it is always imminent.


2 responses to this post.

  1. I understand that the debate between that creationist(Ham?) and Bill Nye really freaked out the Creationists and that there was a flurry of donations to this odd theme park.
    Next to be built: Crucifixion Village!


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