Department Store Substitute Santa

An Xmas Ditty

I’m a substitute department-store Santa, I work maybe once a week
I got a loose glass eye, bent-up nose and a swastika on my cheek
Though stores don’t like to hire me, sometimes they have no choice
When they’re lacking in jolly fat men to delight the girls and boys

My working record is spotty, my agent said this Yule
I’m nearly always the last chosen in any Santa pool
Santa’s only human, I said, ain’t he allowed to drool?
I wouldn’t have worked a day this year if not for the Asian flu

In the pantheons of Santas, I don’t rank among the best
I’m missing two front teeth, but I know where I lost the rest
The kids get to hear when I take a break how bad I gotta pee
booze on my breath, more on my suit, that funny smell is me

So, if you happen to need a Santa, for a party you may throw,
check the personals, under bridges, benches on side roads
leave a name and number, and l will return the call
unless I still got some money, or a bottle of alcohol

2 responses to this post.

  1. I’m just a second-string Santa Claus
    Only call me when the starter gets sick
    So I’m thinking maybe goin’ to At-lanta, cause
    It’s a market where a Santa can pick…

    Yeah and choose from the up-scale strip malls
    Or better yet, only private affairs
    Eat hors d’oevres with the holiday strip dolls
    Take ’em home, either single or in pairs.


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