IN YA PUDDIN’ FACE! Robert Burns advice to the love and other-lorn

Hail Robert
I have told those kids, time and time again, to stay out of my lawn, it's not a damned
Shortcut! I tell you, kids today got no respect.
King of a beleaguered castle
Mae dear king,
 Wi' n'er brickbat nor cudgel wad I nae be laith to chase the lads,
Th'aim o' it ta make their footsteps thro the ivy t' be da last!
Hey, Mate
 We Aussies love your column! Fair dinkum, mate, and greetins to ya from the
 Antipodes! Some workmates and I are on Holiday, and our waltzing matildas will
 be dancing your way later this summer. We'd like to hoist a brew with you, 
 throw some haggis and shrimp on the ol' barbie, do a spot of Hands-across-the-
Empire bonding over some of your fine local spirits, right, mate? 
What do you say, mate?
Wallaby Will
 I'm a nae your mate, convict! We got rid of your loutish nae-so great grand Mas
 and Pas, f'reason, we dint want yer 'round! G'wan ain butcher the language wit'
 yer gutturals an' grunts whar ye weer sent, I'll nae waste t'least of mah
 whiskeys on yer thieving palate!

Hail, Robert

Wha's reason enter 'n th'desire for ma' cocks, and hens, aiven, 
 ta cross the road, laden wi' peril as 'tis?
             Earnestly Puzzled


m'Dear Earnest,
Far, far t'other shoulder wad be dar makin,
'crosit the fiery, hot middy pavins
t'whar yon fatter worms mayhap sate dar  cravin's



Dude! It's me and baby-Mama's 1st aniverssary, and she wants me to write her
 a pome like I did when I was courting her. Trouble is, I stole poultry off
 line, I can't write for doodoo. Could you take pity on me and pen me a pome,
 an orginal?
Disparate in Bostin
Mae dear D in B,
All's fair'n love'n war, e'en deceit, 'n order t'keep tha fair maid's heart, nae?
een a gadda da Vida, mae honae, dain deny mae love fer ye
een a gadda da vida, mae darlin' dain yer know tha true i be?
Aye, lass, cam wit' me, n tak mae hand, dear
Aye, wan ye wak wit' mae, thro this Promised land 'ere?

2 responses to this post.

  1. Excellent!! How could I have missed this?? Somehow do strive to bring it to the attention of our kilted-compadre Duncan! His love of dialect almost makes me weep at times…
    Me, it woulda taken months of painful research to pen something like this. (I do have a couple cultures I know like the back of my hand, but the niche-audience for them wouldn’t wrap around a pinky.)


    • Writing in accents, whether accurately or poorly rendered, stimulates my creative glands.
      Your skills as a writer would make the niche interesting, even trendy.


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