ASK THE DONALD

ASK THE DONALD

Dear The Donald,

I am working two jobs, in order to support two kids and a husband who has trouble keeping a job because of a bad back, a weak stomach, a poor attitude towards authority, and a drinking problem.
I don’t mind the work, nor the hours, and it is my pleasure to cook for and feed my family, do their laundry, shop, and clean up after each one of my charges. Sometimes, I wish that one of the kids would mow the yard, or that hubby would volunteer to take out the garbage when the bag isn’t too heavy, but I like going to bed with a clean conscience, if maybe not so clean a husband.
But I have recently learned that he is spending large amounts of money on internet porno sites, putting us further in debt so he can indulge in what I consider disgusting and degrading filth, and I am no prude.
Please, give me some advice, Mr. Trump. We cannot afford counseling, and he won’t quit watching the crap on his own. I am at the point of considering a divorce, if only I can find a sympathetic judge who will award him with custody of the ungrateful brats.

signed,
at wit’s end

Attn: Wit’s end
Re: bad attitude

It’s YOU who has the bad attitude, Ms. Whiny-lady, spewing self-pity and …whatever, from every orifice. Sex is beatiful, but only with beautiful people! I bet you haven’t seen the inside of a gym lately, either, if you know what I mean. But maybe you don’t, so here it is, you are probably fat, bitchy during your period, and have fits, maybe sometimes you are a good wife, too. But being a good wife sometimes isn’t enough, you have to be a hottie; is that so hard? Not for my wife it isn’t, God Bless her, but she is a total woman who takes the time to put on make-up, get her hair done, work out with her personal trainer, and get plastic surgery, unlike some I am writing to at the moment.

The Donald

————–
Dear Mr Trump,

I know you prefer the other salutation,. but The Donald sounds like something a 2-year old would say. I’m a man, you’re a man, I’d rather converse on that basis.
Anyway, I wanted to ask about your evolved positions on several topics, especially those that would have eventually eroded your support with the GOP base. It seems pretty convenient for you to suddenly realize that Hilary wasn’t a good Secretary of State, abortion is bad, and so is a national health Insurance plan. Also, are you still clinging to the myth that Obama was not born in the US?

Skeptical but interested

Dear skeptic

You’re the terrible-2 year old, sonny, with your childish questions, questions I will not answer. Instead I will answer this question, how many multi-million dollar deals, deals I do every day while I nap, have you done? None! So why am I even talking to you? I bet you’re not even a man, but some woman with an agenda and hormone problems.
Becoming the President is just another deal to me, OK? And you negotiate a deal, give-and-take, I negotiated, and I’m going to win, because I can Deal! I am a deal artisan, I wrote the book!

The Donald

—————–
Dear the Donald,

In spite of your incorrect statements, I think you are pretty smart and would make a fine president.
Now, here is my problem.
My wife is obsessed with you, she has bought seven copies of The Art of the Deal at book signing appearances of yours, and has spent a fortune to get pictures of her standing next to you; they line the walls of her Donald-room, formerly our den. She has had her hair done like yours, although no one could match it exactly. She calls out your name when we are making love. Could you say or do something that would bring her down to Earth, back to reality, back to me?

Trumped by Trump
My dear T’ed by T

I don’t make incorrect statements. And, as for your ‘problem’, sorry, I cannot remember your wife from countless others; I sign a lot of books, and have my picture taken with millions of women. Yes, I said millions, and that’s a fact! BTW,you did not include a pic of Wifey, who sounds like she would make a good personal intern, if she can keep her emotions under control, all month long, if you know what I mean.

The Donald (the The is Always capita;ized, cretin, I hold the rights.!)

{Ask The Donald appears weekly in thousand of newspapers and other media outlets, millions have been helped with my advice. It is the best advice column ever, because I am a dealer, and I know people; and I am smarter than you, that’s a fact}

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One response to this post.

  1. Funny — and sadly accurate.

    Reply

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