If Life hands you lemons, hand ’em back, and say sarcastically, “Thanks but obviously you need these more than I do!”

Never try to teach a pig to whistle, he’ll just dump you for a well-connected talent agency, and you’ll see “Whistling Pig” posters and TV ads wherever you go in your increasingly bitter, alcohol-fueled trip on the pity train.

If I had a nickel for every time I got bogged down in minutiae, I’d have, let’s see, that essay question in civics class, that’s one, all the times I started to clean my room, and ended up playing a long-lost Game Boy, or answering the phone,…but phone calls shouldn’t count, if they were emergencies or someone I hadn’t spoken to in awhile……

If everybody else is jumping off a cliff, yeah, I’ll jump too. If I can be the last jumper, and land on a pile of soft bodies.

Birds of a feather ‘flock’ together if they’re white, BUT when crows do it, it’s murder!

Don’t buy a pig in a poke; the warranty doesn’t cover moving parts.

A penny? For You’re thoughts? on My punctuation and grammar?

Give a man a fish, then maybe the gulls will crap on him instead!

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