Ask Lemmy Telya

All right, funny is fun, but, sometimes humor is used to hide pain, to avoid coping with a spiritual crisis, to mask existential loneliness, to keep bullies from hitting me, etc.
And in these troubled chapters of our lives we sometimes might feel the need to consult those who have dedicated their own time on this troubled sphere to answering letters from strangers with advice on how they should manage their lives. If you are looking for such guidance, if you want to know who to call, well,


Dear Lemmy.

Can you settle an argument I am having with a friend? He says that a Romulan Centurion is equal in rank to a Vulcan Subaltern. I say no way, a Romulan delegation would be insulted if a Subaltern was sent to negotiate a cease-fire with a Centurion, as if they were equals. What do you say, honorary Galaxy District 9 Magistrate?

                                                                Trekkie to the core

Dear Trekkie,

You are both still virgins, aren’t you?


Dear Lemmy,

I am depressed and tired. I could barely muster the strength to get out of bed and write this letter. I see no sense in living anymore, no reason to go on. Is there anyone who can help me, any organizations that I can contact?

                                         Desperately numb to it all


Dear Desperate,

Yeah, probably


Dear Lemmy,

I hear you’re pretty smart, maybe you can help me. I have evidence against several well-placed individuals, and need protection from any seeking revenge or to squelch my testimony. Trouble is the figures I have dirt on know about my intentions. These individuals are in law enforcement, and I fear that I cannot trust the police to keep me safe. I don’t know where to turn. Any advice?

                                                    Tentative testifier

Dear Tentative,

Are you the same Grady Rodgers that played left tackle at Siever’s High? How’s your wife, Dora? Is your boy Henry still in that prep school up in Cleveland? Thanks for the compliment, but this is something about which family should be consulted. I suggest that you go talk to your parents in Columbus.


Dear Dr. Telya,

I am worried about by Mom. Sometimes she is okay, other times she looks at me as if she doesn’t know who I am, or she talks about me as if I am somebody else. Last week, I found her two blocks from home, trying to get into a house that she believed was ours. She does nothing but watch TV all day, even when it is not turned on. Dr. Telya, just what is wrong with her, and what can I do for her?

                                                                 Worried Son in Dayton,

Dear Worried Son,

Please, call me Lemmy.


Dr. Lemuel ‘Lemmy’ Telya, is a board-certified practicing professional. Do what he tells you to do.

5 responses to this post.

  1. That is hilarious. And don’t let the door hit you on the a** on the way out. LOL


  2. I ‘get’ them all but the last one. Feel so dense, but if you could just give me a hint; yeah I know it’d be a ‘spoiler’, but still…


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