Culled From My Facebook Page

-Words are like teachers, both have failed me in the past
-Inside me is a sad clown with an unruly inner child
-Sometimes the Muse inspires me, sometimes the meds do..

Doctor: If I operate soon, it will save your life.
Patient: That’s great news, Doc! There’s no way I’ll ever be able to repay you!
Doctor: In that case, you’ll have to find another doctor.


George A Custer’s name rings out in the American psyche, and always will. But no one ever talks about, or even seem to care much, what became of his family. Well….
Mrs Custer took her widows payment and started a plumbers supply business. It enjoyed only minor success through the decades, until the descendants decided to concentrate on one aspect of the business, making the best products for pipe joining.
They succeeded and, in a smart marketing move, re-named the company for the product. To this day even non-welders are familiar with the term Custer Flux!

-Having a rather thick skin, I don’t mind what detractors say about me. But when de threshers and de silo start spreading ugly rumors, it hurts my feelings.
-Somebody stole my bucket, and I never got around to updating my backup bucket. Now I can’t remember what it was I wanted to do/go/be next!

Apolitical Animals
My cats will never vote Democrat,
Independents? They aren’t owl that,
So, to them, I turn a blind bat.
Ewe see, above the fray we hover,
Just asp the mud-wading plover.
My Toucan’t stand Republicans.
And, from neo-cons and Aryans,
New Panthers, and old fart Libertarians,
Gnus are known to duck for cover
under an eider sporting a wide-brimmed hat!

In the run-up to the Revolutionary War, the colonists were encouraged to present a united front. “Do nothing to create British Loyalists! “, The people were advised.
And, for a time, there was no opposition to the liberation of the colonies from the yoke of British troops. Until, that is, a procrastinating haberdasher in Philadelphia decided to catch up on his bookkeeping and inventories.

-The pen is mightier than the sword, especially if it is really a gun that looks like a pen.
-And if it’s a pen, and a two-way radio, a camera, And a gun all at the Same Time, how cool would that be? Just be careful when you dot your i’s….

-Why is the heart considered the seat of our emotions, the organ that symbolizes spiritual love? It’s a pump! It’s essential to life, yeah, but it just sits there and goes ba-dump. Hearing a gal’s heartbeat sans stethoscope isn’t what the fellas brag about over brewskis, if a guy has his ear pressed to a woman’s chest, things other than her heart rate are his current focus.
-Why wait until you’re so angry that bile is backing up in your throat and your blood pressure could power a pressure washer, to vent your spleen? Shouldn’t we crack the valve a couple of times a day? If nothing else, it would take some of the load off the little fella.
-Do half-assed people have semi- colons?
-What is it about abject fear that turns a coward’s liver into lilies?
-Do blue bloods have their own blood banks?
The answers to these and many other questions can be found in the appendix.

The police here are not the working man’s friend, let me tell you! I even asked the cop, how else am I gonna get work cutting up firewood, if not by going door to door and showing the residents that I have a working chain saw?

– If being Bad to the Bone is good, is being rotten to the core better?
– Are you the guy who tells his departing friends not to do anything you wouldn’t do? Maybe they want to do all those things, and that’s why they are leaving your boring ass behind!
– Have you ever been out in the woods, and ducked behind some bushes to relieve yourself, only to discover halfway through the deed that you are in plain view of a family of outraged picnickers? Me neither.
-I wonder if the current uproar over gender-based restrooms won’t lead to a new product, religion-specific portable commodes called Idolatrines.
-So what does Chicken taste like?
-What do the French call French Kissing?
-Who decided that Pop-Tarts had to have icing, and that white chocolate could not be sold unless mixed with crumbs from the Oreos factory? Was it, by any chance, the genius who decided that placing items for sale where they can’t be seen until you’ve checked out was a good idea?
-Whatever happened to Limburger cheese?
-When, and why, did the phrase”partly cloudy”get replaced with “partly sunny? And what happened to the squall lines that used to precede hurricanes? Were they all eaten by the feeder bands?


Trump and Hillary
Raced up the hill to see
Which of the two was faster
But Hillary coughed and fell down
Trump said “You clumsy clown!”
And kicked her as he passed her.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence
Are making history
With their unique take on
America’s liberties
Once the land is great again
We’ll all be free, they say,
Unless you’re, black, brown, yellow or tan
Muslim, poor or gay!

Talking head, talking head, what did you say,
What’s your opinion about what happened today?
Talking head talking head, a beer I am drinking
While you tell us what we all should be thinking
As the ship of state, it just keeps on sinking
And too many consider trump the new Lincoln
Talking heads, talking heads, we should have guessed
That you’re as dumb as us, just a lot better dressed

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