TV host Dr. Phil, one of several prominent figures who have been offered the position.

Uncertainty reigns in the White House, on Wall Street, and in the offices of political power centers the world over, as the third month of the Trump Administration begins without anyone in place who can say “No, Donald, Stop it, I mean Now!”.

Dr. Phil is only the latest in a string of celebrity personal counselors to turn down the position, despite the prestige and power inherent in such a post.

“Prestige I got already!” Said Dr. Laura, in a statement to the press.  “What I don’t have is a client whom I have to keep asking to stop with the tweets already while I’m talking, and to stop playing with the nuclear football!”

“That’s too much to ask of one person,” Tony Robbins said. “I’m busted! There is a challenge I am reluctant to take on.” Robbins continued, as he body-surfed across a bed of burning coals.

“Hillary didn’t mind Bill very well, either. And no other president had a legal guardian by this point in their administration.” Kelly Anne Conway retorted.

Which is technically true, score one for Kelly Anne. But the office was not created until the last days of Obama’s term, when he issued an Executive Order, his only EO not challenged vehemently by Congress, citing grave concerns about the incoming leader of the free world.

“The President categorically denies the need for a guardian.” Sean Spicer read from a prepared statement, “Further, the President calls anyone in favor of the establishment of yet another regulatory abuse of power doo-doo poopy-heads.”

General  James n. ” Bulldog” Mattis, currently serving as Secretary of Defense, had reportedly offered to add the job to his duties until full-time, qualified guardian could be found. “That little Napoleon only Thinks he’s been in military school! I’ll school the little runt!” Mattis reportedly told an aide. But his nomination was rejected in a lengthy tantrum held by Trump in a private meeting with staff.

Although enough Republicans voted to fund the so-called “Because I Said So Act”, disagreements over the implementation remain. The Fixed-Dinner times provision was dropped, and the President’s preferred “demand eating” regimen remains in place. Also agreed on is the institution of a panel, including the White House Senior advisor, the heads of the FBI  and CIA, and chaired by the Secretary of State, that will arrange “playdates” with other world leaders.

Partisan differences remain to be worked out. The length and number of timeouts has yet to be resolved, although it has been agreed that neither the Vice-president, nor anyone else in the line of succession, should be party to such decisions.

The President has indicated that he will not sign off or listen to any ” low energy, ugly dumdum”, and that he will “hold my breath until I turn blue, whenever I want to,  because I like it!”

3 responses to this post.

  1. I like this! A novel suggestion and not too far from reality. And written in the style which will certainly characterize the event, should it occur.
    Hard to add more, now, when the whole world is watching Sweden deal with their horrific incident.
    ‘Je suis IKEA!’ is a lame token of support, but what else can I do, with details so lacking at this point?
    Seriously, my next post will attempt to assess whether this horror-show was in fact predictable, given the law of averages


    • Horror show, me droogie? Have you been viewing the Kubrick again?
      Trump just signed an EO that curtails enforcement of the laws of average.
      Personally, whatever untold atrocities occurred in that hellish Sin-Drome some call Stockholm, my sympathies lay elsewhere than with snow-blind herders of ungluates, stoned out of their minds on magic mushrooms (the reindeer, maybe some of the lutefisk-sucking yodelers as well).
      I think of more additions to the piece as the day progresses…
      “Now, Donald, you know that isn’t true.” That line needs an insertion, as maybe a mention should be made of his bed wetting.


  2. Perfect; we on the same page here. (Missed your reply..not registered to get email reports for you. )
    Yesterday’s parody quickly becomes today’s in-fact outrage. And your job becomes that of a prophet.


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