CULLED FROM MY FACEBOOK WALL

Which drinking game, played during The Donald’s upcoming State of The Union speech, would be the most likely to lead to hospitalization? Drinking a…
1) …, shot of tequila every time the president mentions the border wall, mexican immigrants, and/or NAFTA
2…a beer every time he mentions or references himself
3…a glass of wine every time he blames the democrats for something
4…a glass of whisky each time he invokes the military or…
5… describes anything or anybody as Failing, Failure, Loser, or Liar or….
6…dont drink, and listen to the speech without commenting.

_____

I came, I saw, I went to lunch.
There, but for an ill-advised short of Amazon’s stock in 2001, go I.
He who laughs last is just pretending to get the joke.
Warning, Off-topic thought….Monopoly Money- Play Dough
In vino veritas, so use breath mints before talkng to the boss.
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, unless you’re stabbing him in the back.
Look, before you leap, let me hold your wallet and keys

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UNCLE GREG’S HIKING SAFETY TIPS.
 
1)No predator will attack while its prey is using the bathroom. Therefore if a Mama bear feels threatened by your presence and acts aggressively, squat and pretend to read until help arrives.
2) If you are lost in a forest in South America, the moss is on the south side of the trees, and you’ve been walking in the wrong direction for two days, moron!
3)Ladies wearing shorts, daisy dukes, or other clothing that leaves their bare legs unprotected, should have lotion applied frequently to their unprotected skin.What kind of lotion? Doesnt matter to me.
4)If you walk up on an untended moonshine still, turn around and beat it! If that pot field you stumbled upon is cartel-run, however, then you probably arent reading this.

____

“okay let me see if I got this straight,” the policeman says to me. “A guy said. I wanna show you something, follow me.”, and you walked into the alley behind him right? And then another guy, who was hiding in the shadows, hit you on the head and they took your wallet and ran.” Officer Dipena, looked at me, and shook his head. “Well now you know that’s a con to shun, right?”
“I don’t know officer”, I said. “I think it might just be a bruise.”

________

I was surprised when the two people in suits and ties told me they had undergone surgery that changed them into men. They also complained that the doctor was a real creep.
” Gave you the willies, did he?”  I said sympathetically
“Oh, no, we had to pay for them!” One replied.

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