Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

FORBIDDEN PUNS, #1

While hiking southern Africa, I encountered a man mourning over the remains of his friend, a Kalahari guide. The poor tribesman been torn to pieces, obviously by a lion, his friend could only stammer incoherently.
“What happened?” I asked. “Cat got your !Kung?”

CATS IN THE CUBICLE NO SILVER SPOON?

As more members of the large cat families enter the work force, they find that their independent and violent ways are unsuitable for today’s modern work environment.

“They sleep all day, their breath is atrocious, and they growl and grumble whenever you ask them to do anything.” So says Norbert Klaiber, personnel manager at Intra-State Warehousing, when asked why he refuses to hire any member of the cat family. “Oh sure, they are naturals in the security field, but they can’t tell a groundskeeper from a burglar. And Last year, a lion in accounts receivable ATE our FedEx guy.”

Norbert was not the only nerd with a funny name to open up to our reporters. Hortense McGillicuddy, branch manager of a local securities firm, had this to say. “While they do have some sales skills, they are very poor losers. They do not like the word ‘no’, and bear markets drive them into a frenzy.”

There Have been problems”, Admits Ray “Ray” Swanson, counselor at a temporary employment agency. “But mainly the problem is people, people who hire big cats to work in occupations for which they are unsuited. “I have had some success in placing the big cats in factory jobs, assembly-line stuff, and leopards are great at sniffing out spoiled meat in grocery stores and meat-packing plants. We give them the ‘kill’ and they climb up in a tree out back with it.

And the labor isn’t the only pool the larger felines swim in. “Tigers, especially, have the qualities we look for in group leaders and department heads.” says Patrick Kimmel, a corporate ‘head hunter’. “They are aggressive. single-minded, and don’t care if they are well-liked or not, as long as they are respected. And respect they got. They know how to motivate a team. “Believe me”, Kimmel averred, pointing to his newest client, all newly pin-striped and eager to get the interview over with, “After you’ve seen Rajah here toy and play with an unprepared presenter, batting his carcass around the room until he gets bored, you do NOT want to be an underperformer on his team.”

Unfortunately, one can’t seem too eager to move up the corporate ladder, as tigers are fiercely protectiveof their status once they have attained leadership. Last week Rajah was questioned in the mauling death in the parking lot of his co-leader, one Thurston Formoare, but was released due to insufficient evidence. And women on the board are advised to ‘consider their monthlies’ before deciding to attend meetings. “Just  a precaution”, adds “Ray” Swanson, “Tigers do love to add to their harem when possible”. There has also been a disturbing number of purported links to organized crime involving, yes, lynx.

Night clubs have experienced a decline in police calls since owners began hiring lions as door personnel and bouncers. “Hey, we run a legit business heah”, says Lou “Beer” Barrel, owner of the Pussycat Lounge and Men’s Club. We don’ need no cops bargin’ in whenever a customer gets…a little outta hand. My guys, Gautama and Buddha, stay nice and calm until there’s a fracas, then they jump right in the da middle of it. A coupla times, yeah, it got messy, ‘sall I’m sayin’. But once word got out, no more friggin’ fracases! And I just hired their buddy, Siddhartha, to keep order in the parking lot.”

Animal right’s groups have asked the government to investigate several reported cases of unsafe and cruel working conditions. Your reporter managed to get inside an office where lions were made to do data entry in cramped cubicles, threatened and harried by ‘trainers’ carrying whips and wooden chairs. The defeated faces on these poor creatures told the story, these lions had no pride.

Senator Tom “He-Cat” Muldoon has introduced the Feral Wage and Labor act to address this and other problems connected with integrating members of the Panthera genus into the modern American workplace. “While some feline-Americans have done quite well, the majority are still paid well below median wage, and the impediments to advancement enormous; lack of a spoken language, inadequate schooling,poor social skills, etc. On the positive side, nearly all parties admit that the grooming habits of the large cats are, by and large, impeccable. I’m afraid,” Says Senator Muldoon, “That most of our newest taxpayers will looking up at the glass canopy for decades to come.”

 

COUNTRY SONG, AINT GOT NO MELODY

I WON’T GO THERE

They said”Jump in! The waters fine!”
I knew better than to freeze my behind
I stayed topside, and drank a few
While the rest caught colds, pneumonia, and the flu!

I won’t go there , I won’t do that,
I’d strike out just like Casey with his bat
Another TKO, laying on the mat
Feel free to ask, but I won’t do that

I met a pretty gal at this fancy bar
She took me to her home in her fancy car
But my lucky stars I did stop thanking
When she said, Bad boy! You’re getting a spanking!

I don’t do that, I won’t go there
Go ahead and pout, I really don’t care
No more weirdness, please, I’ve had my share
I’ll hold your beer , but I won’t go there

A guy whose face had been in the paper
Invited me to be a part of his caper
He said I’d regret it when I declined
He made the news again, when he got 99

I won’t do that, no Sir or Ma’am
I’m happy to stay the way I am,
Not rolling in dough, nor am I on the lam
Just getting by the best I can

He said to me, ” Let’s get rich quick!”
“This business plan is way too slick!”
Now, I don’t gamble, but I would wager
That he never got rich selling old pagers

I won’t go there, I just can’t
I’m way too old to take such a chance
That’s how it is, spare me your rant
I make just enough down here at the plant.

A Coupla Jokes

Doctor: do you realize that the pot you’re smoking is so strong that every joint erases a day’s worth of memories?

Patient: There are Soviet missiles in Cuba, aimed right at us, and you’re worried about me getting high?


You think you have problems? My inner child just joined the #metoo movement!

WISDOM BITES

Im old enough to remember switching from incandescent Zeppelin to Led Zeppelin.

I’m not against girls who strip for a living. At least, not as often as I’d like.

A guy came up to me the other day and asked, “Are you Mel Famy?  “Yes” I replied cagily, “Are you?”

I’ve reached another stage of human development. When coughing sneezing, and spitting cannot be told apart. Whats next? Depends.

If you got a rat that’s been singing like a canary, be sure to give him some throat spray before he goes onstage.

Wherever I go, I always manage to lift spirits. I keep the good stuff for myself, and sell the rest to winos.

I wish I could lose some weight. But I also wish for world peace and, really, which is more important?

THE TOP 10 THINGS DONALD TRUMP HAS NEVER SAID

THE TOP TEN THINGS DONALD TRUMP HAS NEVER SAID
1)Honey, I got the promotion!.
2)I’m sorry
3)I can help, let me get my jumper cables
4)But if we pay the doctor, we wont have enough for groceries
5)Was it good for you, too?
6)There you go, sir, paid in full!
7)It always rains after I wash the car!
8)Thanks, Ill carry my own bag.
9)I’m cooking tonight, gonna give your mother a break.
10)Correct me if Im wrong

OVERHEARD AT THE ASTROPHYSICISTS CONVENTION…

A couple was in a department store, where the lady was trying on dresses and getting her astrophysicist husband’s opinion. He had just given a thumbs down on a sexy black dress that she rather liked.
“Do you think that I would look better in a red shift? She asked.
You wouldn’t look as hot,” he replied

CULLED FROM MY FACEBOOK WALL

Which drinking game, played during The Donald’s upcoming State of The Union speech, would be the most likely to lead to hospitalization? Drinking a…
1) …, shot of tequila every time the president mentions the border wall, mexican immigrants, and/or NAFTA
2…a beer every time he mentions or references himself
3…a glass of wine every time he blames the democrats for something
4…a glass of whisky each time he invokes the military or…
5… describes anything or anybody as Failing, Failure, Loser, or Liar or….
6…dont drink, and listen to the speech without commenting.

_____

I came, I saw, I went to lunch.
There, but for an ill-advised short of Amazon’s stock in 2001, go I.
He who laughs last is just pretending to get the joke.
Warning, Off-topic thought….Monopoly Money- Play Dough
In vino veritas, so use breath mints before talkng to the boss.
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, unless you’re stabbing him in the back.
Look, before you leap, let me hold your wallet and keys

____

UNCLE GREG’S HIKING SAFETY TIPS.
 
1)No predator will attack while its prey is using the bathroom. Therefore if a Mama bear feels threatened by your presence and acts aggressively, squat and pretend to read until help arrives.
2) If you are lost in a forest in South America, the moss is on the south side of the trees, and you’ve been walking in the wrong direction for two days, moron!
3)Ladies wearing shorts, daisy dukes, or other clothing that leaves their bare legs unprotected, should have lotion applied frequently to their unprotected skin.What kind of lotion? Doesnt matter to me.
4)If you walk up on an untended moonshine still, turn around and beat it! If that pot field you stumbled upon is cartel-run, however, then you probably arent reading this.

____

“okay let me see if I got this straight,” the policeman says to me. “A guy said. I wanna show you something, follow me.”, and you walked into the alley behind him right? And then another guy, who was hiding in the shadows, hit you on the head and they took your wallet and ran.” Officer Dipena, looked at me, and shook his head. “Well now you know that’s a con to shun, right?”
“I don’t know officer”, I said. “I think it might just be a bruise.”

________

I was surprised when the two people in suits and ties told me they had undergone surgery that changed them into men. They also complained that the doctor was a real creep.
” Gave you the willies, did he?”  I said sympathetically
“Oh, no, we had to pay for them!” One replied.

THE BALLAD OF JUDGE ROY MOORE

________________________

Met her by the fountain, after her math class,
Her eyes told me she wanted me to grab her ass

I let no one see me, or get a good look
For the only periods she’d experienced
Were the ones in her textbooks
You’ve got some short eyes, Roy Moore,
Adult women ain’t your style
Hands off our daughters, Roy Moore
You Bible-quoting pedophile,
You had to ask her Mom’s permission,
To take her on a date
That’s pretty weird behavior,
Even for your state
Hang up your hat, Judge Roy Moore
Farewell to your Senate hopes
Though some will still vote for you
The rest of us aren’t dopes
You say you know the Bible better,
Studied it all your life
You say its okay to covet her
As long as she’s nobody’s wife!
Don’t be a bigger sap Judge Roy Moore
Than you already are
The GOP is gathering the feathers,
The Dems are heating up the tar!

(Thanks and apologies are due to the Kingston Trio) https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=nGGGQVGLTQ0&feature=share

Mr. Gorbachev, That’s A Nice Wall! or, if other presidents had acted like trump

IF PAST PRESIDENTS HAD BEHAVED LIKE THE CURRENT POTUS

“I did what I could. I asked the emperor, I asked Admiral Tojo, they both deny having anything to do with or any knowledge about the terrible attack at Pearl Harbor. So I dunno! The Mexicans, maybe?– FDR
____
“The Kaiser is just as shocked as the rest of us. Maybe it wasn’t a torpedo from that German submarine, maybe the Lusitania was rusty, maybe we will never know, since the Germans have been cleared”– Woodrow Wilson
_______
“Jeff Davis is a friend , and if he says those boys at Fort Sumter had a BBQ grill too close to the armory, then that’s it, case closed.”– Abraham Lincoln
____
” I’d like to thank Cuba for blowing up the Maine, we’ve been meaning to downsize our Navy, he did us a favor.”– William McKinley