Archive for the ‘satire’ Category

CATS IN THE CUBICLE NO SILVER SPOON?

As more members of the large cat families enter the work force, they find that their independent and violent ways are unsuitable for today’s modern work environment.

“They sleep all day, their breath is atrocious, and they growl and grumble whenever you ask them to do anything.” So says Norbert Klaiber, personnel manager at Intra-State Warehousing, when asked why he refuses to hire any member of the cat family. “Oh sure, they are naturals in the security field, but they can’t tell a groundskeeper from a burglar. And Last year, a lion in accounts receivable ATE our FedEx guy.”

Norbert was not the only nerd with a funny name to open up to our reporters. Hortense McGillicuddy, branch manager of a local securities firm, had this to say. “While they do have some sales skills, they are very poor losers. They do not like the word ‘no’, and bear markets drive them into a frenzy.”

There Have been problems”, Admits Ray “Ray” Swanson, counselor at a temporary employment agency. “But mainly the problem is people, people who hire big cats to work in occupations for which they are unsuited. “I have had some success in placing the big cats in factory jobs, assembly-line stuff, and leopards are great at sniffing out spoiled meat in grocery stores and meat-packing plants. We give them the ‘kill’ and they climb up in a tree out back with it.

And the labor isn’t the only pool the larger felines swim in. “Tigers, especially, have the qualities we look for in group leaders and department heads.” says Patrick Kimmel, a corporate ‘head hunter’. “They are aggressive. single-minded, and don’t care if they are well-liked or not, as long as they are respected. And respect they got. They know how to motivate a team. “Believe me”, Kimmel averred, pointing to his newest client, all newly pin-striped and eager to get the interview over with, “After you’ve seen Rajah here toy and play with an unprepared presenter, batting his carcass around the room until he gets bored, you do NOT want to be an underperformer on his team.”

Unfortunately, one can’t seem too eager to move up the corporate ladder, as tigers are fiercely protectiveof their status once they have attained leadership. Last week Rajah was questioned in the mauling death in the parking lot of his co-leader, one Thurston Formoare, but was released due to insufficient evidence. And women on the board are advised to ‘consider their monthlies’ before deciding to attend meetings. “Just  a precaution”, adds “Ray” Swanson, “Tigers do love to add to their harem when possible”. There has also been a disturbing number of purported links to organized crime involving, yes, lynx.

Night clubs have experienced a decline in police calls since owners began hiring lions as door personnel and bouncers. “Hey, we run a legit business heah”, says Lou “Beer” Barrel, owner of the Pussycat Lounge and Men’s Club. We don’ need no cops bargin’ in whenever a customer gets…a little outta hand. My guys, Gautama and Buddha, stay nice and calm until there’s a fracas, then they jump right in the da middle of it. A coupla times, yeah, it got messy, ‘sall I’m sayin’. But once word got out, no more friggin’ fracases! And I just hired their buddy, Siddhartha, to keep order in the parking lot.”

Animal right’s groups have asked the government to investigate several reported cases of unsafe and cruel working conditions. Your reporter managed to get inside an office where lions were made to do data entry in cramped cubicles, threatened and harried by ‘trainers’ carrying whips and wooden chairs. The defeated faces on these poor creatures told the story, these lions had no pride.

Senator Tom “He-Cat” Muldoon has introduced the Feral Wage and Labor act to address this and other problems connected with integrating members of the Panthera genus into the modern American workplace. “While some feline-Americans have done quite well, the majority are still paid well below median wage, and the impediments to advancement enormous; lack of a spoken language, inadequate schooling,poor social skills, etc. On the positive side, nearly all parties admit that the grooming habits of the large cats are, by and large, impeccable. I’m afraid,” Says Senator Muldoon, “That most of our newest taxpayers will looking up at the glass canopy for decades to come.”

 

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THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEMOGRAPHIC

  • Frank barely heard the soft, arrhythmic tapping on the front door over the bedlam of the cartoon show Davey and his friend were watching. He picked up the pistol, which lay on the table between his beer and ashtray. The young ones ignored him as he stood up, walked over to the door and put his eye to the peephole. It was zombies, two of them. Frank pulled the door open with his free hand, keeping the gun pointed low and his finger off the trigger.

    The first creature extended his arm towards Frank, and slowly turned his palm up.

    “You finished, already?” a slow shake of the head, accompanied by a death-rattle of a breath, that Frank took as a yes.

    “Front and back? Another painfully slow nod.

    “You trimmed the hedges? Cleaned the gutters?”

    rattle

    “OK. Honey!” Frank yelled down the hall. “Can you bring me the package of synth-flesh on the counter?”

    While he waited, he looked over the twisted shoulder of his gardener, and assessed the one behind him. “You brought help this time.”

    ‘Rattle, sssss’

    “Not with you?” Gina handed him the paper-wrapped square with the US FDA approved sticker. It was still cold. “We are down to three kg’s, hon. Should we order more?” Frank grunted a yes.

    Frank passed the package to the zombie, whom he caught looking at his wife’s neck. He brought the gun to bear on the undead-American’s rotting cheek. “Don’t even think about it.”

    It hissed and twisted its mouth; what may have been a growl escaped the loose, spittle-shiny lips. Then it quietly turned and shuffled down the walk, past the second of its kind who carried an axe in one greenish hand.

    “Yes, what is it?” The news was coming on, Frank wanted to hear if the Supreme Court had decided the case of  gunther vs. gomez. If they decided that zombies were entitled to the rights and assets they held at the time of their conversion, lawyers will have a cash cow on a verdant pasture.

    Frank noted that two fingers were missing on the hand that pointed at one of his maple trees. “No, I don’t need any trees cut at this time. Not today, not next week, okay?”

    A nod of understanding, then out came an expectant hand. “We’re short, sorry.” Frank backed into the house and began to close the door.

    “”RATTLE!”The flesh-eater had inserted the axe in the doorway, preventing Frank from shutting it completely. Frank opened the door wide enough to allow the axe-holding arm all the way inside, then he kicked the door shut, pinching the arm between wrist and elbow. The hissing scream started just before the axe hit the faux-wood floor. The hand formed into a fist and beat the wall. One more solid kick, and the limb fell beside the axe, the still-twitching hand seemed to be trying to grab the handle. Frank managed to lock the door as the zombie repeatedly threw himself against it.

    “Should I call the police?” Gina was in the hallway with a shotgun. Behind her the young ones had stopped watching a coyote getting flattened by a steamroller in order to check out the real-live action.

    “Kids! Go watch TV! It’s all over!” More quietly, to Gina, he said, “Get another pound of synth-flesh. No, make it two. I’d rather he split than mess with all the damn paperwork the zigger-lovers require.”

    Gina came back with the flesh-substitute. She chastised him for using that slur, a corruption of Zombie re-Integration Act. “Especially in front of Davey and…”

    He cut her off, it was an old argument. “Yeah, sorry.” The thumping had stopped. Gun ready this time, Frank opened the door, and whistled to get the retreating figure’s attention.  He threw the package at the zombie’s feet, noting that only one was shod.

    “Tomorrow.  When you walk by tomorrow, there will be an old pair of shoes for you by the street. Understand? Don’t come in the yard, just take the shoes, keep walking.”

    The screaming had stopped, it, Frank saw that ‘it’ had been a woman at one time, held her good hand over the wound, which had already stopped bleeding. Their wounds don’t heal, exactly, the zombie just keeps going until it becomes structurally unsound.  “The axe will be there too.” Last year, romero vs. kruegerhad established their right to own property, as long as it wasn’t used to ‘procure, steal, bargain for, or in any otherwise obtain human flesh for the purpose of consumption…‘ One last snarl and, the government package tucked under it’s shortened appendage, she/it walked across the yard to the street. Two houses away, Frank saw the gardener pushing his mower with one hand as it tore off and swallowed hunks of the test-tubesteak that it held in the other.

    Frank sighed. The world was changing too fast for his taste.

    First there had been the accidental release of the zombie-virus, and humanity’s existence had been threatened before a vaccine was invented. Then, advances in recombinant-DNA engineering had led to the development of an alternative source of food for the zombies, whose numbers were astronomical. They took to the synth-flesh readily, as it beat chasing down emaciated prey that fought back.  And slowly the bartering system had developed; was still developing, as the afternoon’s events showed.

    He went back to his easy chair, set the gun down on the table again. He no longer had a yen for zombie news, so he left the TV on the cartoon channel, and settled back as a car of some sort transformed into a robot of some sort. On the floor in front of him, Davey and his friend were eating from a tray of snacks Gina had brought out. Davey, transfixed by the action, absent-mindedly ate a cookie. His new pal rasped out a hideous laugh as he dipped a synth-flesh nugget in a glass of synth-blood. Yes, things are just changing too fast, he thought, and upended his can of beer until the contents had settled in  his stomach.

THE TOP 10 THINGS DONALD TRUMP HAS NEVER SAID

THE TOP TEN THINGS DONALD TRUMP HAS NEVER SAID
1)Honey, I got the promotion!.
2)I’m sorry
3)I can help, let me get my jumper cables
4)But if we pay the doctor, we wont have enough for groceries
5)Was it good for you, too?
6)There you go, sir, paid in full!
7)It always rains after I wash the car!
8)Thanks, Ill carry my own bag.
9)I’m cooking tonight, gonna give your mother a break.
10)Correct me if Im wrong

CHANNEL-SWITCHING DURING THE ROYAL WEDDING

ROYAL WEDDING COVERAGE, COMMONER THAN EVER
You can’t get away from it!
“…… the Royals in Windsor could not ask for better weather for the wedding, The Royal Wedding that’s being held today wedding wedding wedding…”{click}
Hi this is Jay Leno, welcome to Jay Leno’s garage. today we’re looking at Royal Wedding cars of yesteryear[click!]
” good news shoppers! If you purchase one wedding triptych with Lady Diana smiling down on her son and his new bride, you get the second one for free…{click!}
“.. yes, it has been reported that the Queen’s Corgi likes Prince William’s new bride. Prince Charles’ Rottweilers, however, like her a bit too much…”{click!}
“…even amid the carnage of the Taliban’s latest suicide attack, it almost seems as if some of these tears are tears of joy,…”{click!}
“… And another historic fact about Prince William’s ascot…”{click!}
My 1st guest, Sir O. Reginald Cumwidmy, is Londons foremost expert on royal sex practices, and his Royal honeymoon coverage is expected….{click}
“…

THE BALLAD OF JUDGE ROY MOORE

________________________

Met her by the fountain, after her math class,
Her eyes told me she wanted me to grab her ass

I let no one see me, or get a good look
For the only periods she’d experienced
Were the ones in her textbooks
You’ve got some short eyes, Roy Moore,
Adult women ain’t your style
Hands off our daughters, Roy Moore
You Bible-quoting pedophile,
You had to ask her Mom’s permission,
To take her on a date
That’s pretty weird behavior,
Even for your state
Hang up your hat, Judge Roy Moore
Farewell to your Senate hopes
Though some will still vote for you
The rest of us aren’t dopes
You say you know the Bible better,
Studied it all your life
You say its okay to covet her
As long as she’s nobody’s wife!
Don’t be a bigger sap Judge Roy Moore
Than you already are
The GOP is gathering the feathers,
The Dems are heating up the tar!

(Thanks and apologies are due to the Kingston Trio) https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=nGGGQVGLTQ0&feature=share

Mr. Gorbachev, That’s A Nice Wall! or, if other presidents had acted like trump

IF PAST PRESIDENTS HAD BEHAVED LIKE THE CURRENT POTUS

“I did what I could. I asked the emperor, I asked Admiral Tojo, they both deny having anything to do with or any knowledge about the terrible attack at Pearl Harbor. So I dunno! The Mexicans, maybe?– FDR
____
“The Kaiser is just as shocked as the rest of us. Maybe it wasn’t a torpedo from that German submarine, maybe the Lusitania was rusty, maybe we will never know, since the Germans have been cleared”– Woodrow Wilson
_______
“Jeff Davis is a friend , and if he says those boys at Fort Sumter had a BBQ grill too close to the armory, then that’s it, case closed.”– Abraham Lincoln
____
” I’d like to thank Cuba for blowing up the Maine, we’ve been meaning to downsize our Navy, he did us a favor.”– William McKinley

OBAMA SEX SCANDAL KEEPS GROWING

14 Women Now Claim to Have Groped the Former President
A 14th Woman has joined the growing list of women in the latest sex scandal to rock the corridors of power.
In a sworn affadavit, Bonnie Devers, who worked on President Obamas re-election campaign in 2012, recounts how she “accidentally” brushed her hand across the President buttocks.
“I had a feeling of power”, ms. Devers is quoted as saying. “He gave me a funny look, but what could he do? I would just say that he rubbed those firm, rounded, funballs of manflesh against my fingers, and he knew it!”
The accounts of the claimants have an eerie similarity, evincing a pattern of abuse that spanned the former President’s entire two terms. Phrases recur with a regularity that defies coincidence:
“He looked shocked…”
“I could tell he wanted it!”
“..still feel his primal grip as he removed my hand from his…”
“…Secret Service questioned me, I felt intimidated…”
Ursula Coggins recounts how she felt encouraged by Obama to act inappropriately…
“It was his eyes, they sucked me in with their story of longing, want, and need, the lying bastard!”
A spokesman for the former first family says the Obamas are seeking no counseling at thus time….(cont. on page A7)