Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

WHO KNEW?

Who Knew?
Nobody told us it wasn’t wise to act dumb
In a town where you have never been.
If you want to have a ball,
Be polite to po-po’s, said no one at all

Chicks are people too, I heard nobody say.
Or that, when making a pass
At some vacationing maid,
That acting like an ass
Will rarely get you laid.
Nor will drinking like a fish
Do much to impress the ladies
Who know for what you wish,
And trade you drinks for “maybes”.

Beaches are nice, but where’s the advice
To respect the sun’s powerful rays?
An old sign on the door said to be wary,
We didn’t think it meant today.
The next day found me a’peeling
If one looked in the darkest of shade
I’ll never go out in the sun again
With an SPF less than a cave’s.

We’re on our way back home now
my legs feel like both are aflame,
And may I add with perverse pride,
(And not a little shame)
The resort said they would never again
Rent to anyone who shared even part of our name.

Well, now I’m grown and whaddya know?
My life has been terrific!
Yes, I’ve lived and yearned,
Been loved and burned,
I tried teaching our kids.
But my lessons were like soporifics.

Like my parents before me I paid the bills
For my teenagers’ misadventures,
For which I made them work,
And worse, made them pay attention.
I tried to make it easy, one simple ministration;
Wherever you go on vacation,
Whenever you stay with relations,
Or anytime or place you roam,
Act as if Grandma’s watching you!
Act like you’re at home.

TRUMP SELLS SOUL TO SATAN

Popularity Drops 1%
(IP)
In what he calls a ‘major expansion of the brand’, President Donald Trump announced on Friday that he had sold his immortal soul to the Devil.
“He sent me an offer, said the President, “and I have to say it was a beautiful letter, beautifully written. I’ve never seen a more beautiful written offer, that was written in words. It was amazing. And I know a deal when I see it, and this is a deal, the perfect deal.”
” For eight years, Obama tried to sell his soul to Satan. But no deal , Obama can’t close, no deal, poor little Obama.”
” we’ve all done it,” said treasury secretary Mulcahey, ” Get over it.”

The expected outrage on the part of the religious right was muted, to say the least.
“Goodness, you’d think he had done something terrible!” Said long-time Trump supporter, Ida Mae Badadder. ” I know the devil’s done bad things, but who hasn’t? Aren’t we all sinners? Trump is a genius for reaching out!”
“Hillary could never have done a deal like this!” Said sources from both sides of the aisle.
Most Republican leaders were equally sanguine. When asked for a comment, sen. Lindsey Graham (R-sc) replied , “i’ve always liked Satan, never felt otherwise.”
” The president’s personal attorney, Rudy Giuliani, spoke with the Press about the matter.
“He signed in blood, not ink! This is a civil matter and blood evidence is inadmissible in the court of public opinion. Pull my finger, this is cool.”
Speaker Nancy Pelosi issued a statement that read, in part, “…a clear violation of the emolument clause of the Constitution. If, indeed, this is true. Because frankly,” said the usually far less candid speaker, “the Presidents soul doesnt have a gold ribbon pinned to it, to put it mildly. It’s a pig best kept in the poke”.
“Bawa Wawa Nancy Wancy scuzzy Pelosi!” Was the presidents response on twitter the following… (cont. p. 12a)

CHANNELING CHAUCER

The Lodger’s Tale

Who doth brake wynde wan this hutt is shut tighte,
Wan the aire doth not move on this warme humid night?
Ye made no sounde on your giving of vente,
Lett loose onn the slye what twas not heaven scent.
Wat manner of victuals compos’d your repast,
Ande gavve ye the gravest of cases of gas
Ande teared uppe our eyes upon fleeing your asse?
Could ye notte havve stept outsyde, on to the fen
Orr, mayhap, preferred too sleep in a tent?
Ach! Mine eyes doth burn anew, the bloke hath farted againe!
———————-
A Drunkard’s Rappe
Oh, Mother Meade, what didde I do in your name?
Didde I bring unto mye selfe and mye familee, great shame?
Orr, bye chance, were all as potted as me?
Deff as stones, blynde as batts, as eagre to disturb the peace?
Were all besotted, loose of lippe, and open-hearted?
Wan I tolde the wife I was going to help a frend,
Her eyes did rolle as she sayed I knoe howe thiss ends
You, brotte home inn a waggon,
A’cuddlin your flagon like some pagan whore
And a promise of never again, slurred words abowte making amends
Now you’re pied as a piper, delidver’d like freight once morre. This is thee ende!
I should say darling please, while ime onn my knees,
Butte my gutte churns, and yearns to expresse its owne ideas.
Ande this paine inn my pate maye never cease.
Peece outte
{drop quill}

AFTERWORDS

Cold trickle showers, hot coffee on the grill
The storm is forgotten, its effects linger still
Havent seen a TV in a week or so
We could be at war, and I wouldnt know
Devastated forests as far one can see,
Toilet paper could possibly become a new currency
And ice more precious than the Queens jewelry.
The curfew is needless, i claim
There’s nowhere to go, it all looks the same.
But with the neighbors trees gone, I can see the sunrise
And with the city lights out, stars fill the sky.
With the shade trees gone, a garden can grow
And I have new places for fruit trees to go.
That fence was rotten, beginning to sway,
We needed a new roof and paint job anyway

COUNTRY SONG, AINT GOT NO MELODY

I WON’T GO THERE

They said”Jump in! The waters fine!”
I knew better than to freeze my behind
I stayed topside, and drank a few
While the rest caught colds, pneumonia, and the flu!

I won’t go there , I won’t do that,
I’d strike out just like Casey with his bat
Another TKO, laying on the mat
Feel free to ask, but I won’t do that

I met a pretty gal at this fancy bar
She took me to her home in her fancy car
But my lucky stars I did stop thanking
When she said, Bad boy! You’re getting a spanking!

I don’t do that, I won’t go there
Go ahead and pout, I really don’t care
No more weirdness, please, I’ve had my share
I’ll hold your beer , but I won’t go there

A guy whose face had been in the paper
Invited me to be a part of his caper
He said I’d regret it when I declined
He made the news again, when he got 99

I won’t do that, no Sir or Ma’am
I’m happy to stay the way I am,
Not rolling in dough, nor am I on the lam
Just getting by the best I can

He said to me, ” Let’s get rich quick!”
“This business plan is way too slick!”
Now, I don’t gamble, but I would wager
That he never got rich selling old pagers

I won’t go there, I just can’t
I’m way too old to take such a chance
That’s how it is, spare me your rant
I make just enough down here at the plant.

WISDOM BITES

Im old enough to remember switching from incandescent Zeppelin to Led Zeppelin.

I’m not against girls who strip for a living. At least, not as often as I’d like.

A guy came up to me the other day and asked, “Are you Mel Famy?  “Yes” I replied cagily, “Are you?”

I’ve reached another stage of human development. When coughing sneezing, and spitting cannot be told apart. Whats next? Depends.

If you got a rat that’s been singing like a canary, be sure to give him some throat spray before he goes onstage.

Wherever I go, I always manage to lift spirits. I keep the good stuff for myself, and sell the rest to winos.

I wish I could lose some weight. But I also wish for world peace and, really, which is more important?

ON SEEING A DOG ABANDONED

ON SEEING A DOG ABANDONED
Please don’t run, little fella, I won’t hurt you
The way someone has
I won’t tie you up outside in the summer and let your water dish go dry
The way someone did
Someone tested your love and devotion to its limits
And you would jump back in the truck he kicked you out of
And you would bite me if I did to him what I’m thinking
I want to see him to cower, the way from me you’re slinking
Screw him it’s time to start on the forgetting
Time to put some food in you, take you to a vet and
I need a new winter coat, my old one is now your bedding
It’s time for you to get back the love that you’ve been giving
Maybe in a week or two you’ll be receptive to some petting
The way someone will

OVERHEARD AT THE ASTROPHYSICISTS CONVENTION…

A couple was in a department store, where the lady was trying on dresses and getting her astrophysicist husband’s opinion. He had just given a thumbs down on a sexy black dress that she rather liked.
“Do you think that I would look better in a red shift? She asked.
You wouldn’t look as hot,” he replied

CATCH THE MOON

” You have to run fast to catch the Moon!”
My older brother said as he raced me
It was blood-red, beautiful, and setting soon
He laughed when I fell and hurt my knee

” This time, I want you to really, really try!”
” You have to run fast if you want to catch the Moon.”
I ran, and as i reached for my prize in the sky
Across the moon’s face flew the shadow of a loon.

My brother passed away far too soon
You could say he jumped too high
“You have to run fast to catch the moon.”
He said before his very last try.

“Don’t follow that path.” my mother cried.
“Losing both sons will be my ruin.”.
Not try, Mother? I would much rather die!
You have to run fast to catch the Moon.
(c) Greg Cobb 2018

NOBODY TOOK THE KEYS

 

That was night that I got lost somewhere in whiskey heaven,
I ragged your candy ass when you quit drinking at eleven
You saw me stumble when we finally left the bar
So, see? It’s safer for me behind the wheel of a car
Are you coming or not? No more lectures, please.
And now a man is dead because nobody would take my keys

You’re the life of the party, the man of the hour
You’ve fine-tuned the social uses of hard liquor’s power.
I’m lucky to be your friend, and I sure don’t want to end
The party. So give that bottle one more squeeze,
And toast the man who died because I didn’t take your keys

I rode free as a bird, left my working days behind me
I loved my friends, my family, but the road is where you’d find me
Thirty years of fighting fires, waiting for this day
Retired, unhired, astride my Harley, was where I planned to stay
Just pondering life, enjoying new roads and the breeze
It ended when I met you, because no one took your keys.

I bought a bike this morning, Dad, so I could be like you
See what I wore today, now I’m a fireman, too
Your grandson is sick today, or I’d have brought him here
To the only place where the boy ever sheds a tear
He wants so bad to tell you that he knows his ABCs
And he will sing them to your headstone, because nobody took those keys