As more members of the large cat families enter the work force, they find that their independent and violent ways are unsuitable for today’s modern work environment.
“They sleep all day, their breath is atrocious, and they growl and grumble whenever you ask them to do anything.” So says Norbert Klaiber, personnel manager at Intra-State Warehousing, when asked why he refuses to hire any member of the cat family. “Oh sure, they are naturals in the security field, but they can’t tell a groundskeeper from a burglar. And Last year, a lion in accounts receivable ATE our FedEx guy.”
Norbert was not the only nerd with a funny name to open up to our reporters. Hortense McGillicuddy, branch manager of a local securities firm, had this to say. “While they do have some sales skills, they are very poor losers. They do not like the word ‘no’, and bear markets drive them into a frenzy.”
There Have been problems”, Admits Ray “Ray” Swanson, counselor at a temporary employment agency. “But mainly the problem is people, people who hire big cats to work in occupations for which they are unsuited. “I have had some success in placing the big cats in factory jobs, assembly-line stuff, and leopards are great at sniffing out spoiled meat in grocery stores and meat-packing plants. We give them the ‘kill’ and they climb up in a tree out back with it.
And the labor isn’t the only pool the larger felines swim in. “Tigers, especially, have the qualities we look for in group leaders and department heads.” says Patrick Kimmel, a corporate ‘head hunter’. “They are aggressive. single-minded, and don’t care if they are well-liked or not, as long as they are respected. And respect they got. They know how to motivate a team. “Believe me”, Kimmel averred, pointing to his newest client, all newly pin-striped and eager to get the interview over with, “After you’ve seen Rajah here toy and play with an unprepared presenter, batting his carcass around the room until he gets bored, you do NOT want to be an underperformer on his team.”
Unfortunately, one can’t seem too eager to move up the corporate ladder, as tigers are fiercely protectiveof their status once they have attained leadership. Last week Rajah was questioned in the mauling death in the parking lot of his co-leader, one Thurston Formoare, but was released due to insufficient evidence. And women on the board are advised to ‘consider their monthlies’ before deciding to attend meetings. “Just a precaution”, adds “Ray” Swanson, “Tigers do love to add to their harem when possible”. There has also been a disturbing number of purported links to organized crime involving, yes, lynx.
Night clubs have experienced a decline in police calls since owners began hiring lions as door personnel and bouncers. “Hey, we run a legit business heah”, says Lou “Beer” Barrel, owner of the Pussycat Lounge and Men’s Club. We don’ need no cops bargin’ in whenever a customer gets…a little outta hand. My guys, Gautama and Buddha, stay nice and calm until there’s a fracas, then they jump right in the da middle of it. A coupla times, yeah, it got messy, ‘sall I’m sayin’. But once word got out, no more friggin’ fracases! And I just hired their buddy, Siddhartha, to keep order in the parking lot.”
Animal right’s groups have asked the government to investigate several reported cases of unsafe and cruel working conditions. Your reporter managed to get inside an office where lions were made to do data entry in cramped cubicles, threatened and harried by ‘trainers’ carrying whips and wooden chairs. The defeated faces on these poor creatures told the story, these lions had no pride.
Senator Tom “He-Cat” Muldoon has introduced the Feral Wage and Labor act to address this and other problems connected with integrating members of the Panthera genus into the modern American workplace. “While some feline-Americans have done quite well, the majority are still paid well below median wage, and the impediments to advancement enormous; lack of a spoken language, inadequate schooling,poor social skills, etc. On the positive side, nearly all parties admit that the grooming habits of the large cats are, by and large, impeccable. I’m afraid,” Says Senator Muldoon, “That most of our newest taxpayers will looking up at the glass canopy for decades to come.”
The Village Wordsmithy 