Posts Tagged ‘song’


SHOPPING, (with all apologies due to Guess Who)
I used to laugh, at those who cried
When a Black Friday sale had passed them by
But now I stand in line, starting well before sunrise,
To do my shopping
The line moves slowly, time marches on
By the time I’m in the door, the best stuff’s always gone!
It’s the same story everywhere, from Podunk to Times Square.
Too many shopping
Leaping Jill and Dale
To get the last Segway on sale
But it was taken away from me
by a burly ex-marine.
I was bruised and cut up, lost a blouse to a fist
But I stumbled out with most everything on my list!
But next year I will be wiser
find gifts that will surprise her
Through online shopping!
From my easy chair
In stores everywhere
And they ship for me presents that I never even have to see



They said”Jump in! The waters fine!”
I knew better than to freeze my behind
While I stayed topside, drinking some brews
The rest caught colds, pneumonia, and the flu!

I won’t go there , I won’t do that,
I’d strike out just like Casey with his bat
Another TKO, laying on the mat
Feel free to ask, but I won’t do that

I met a pretty gal at this fancy bar
She took me to her home in her fancy car
But my lucky stars I did stop thanking
When she said, Bad boy! You’re getting a spanking!

I don’t do that, I won’t go there
Go ahead and pout, I really don’t care
No more weirdness, please, I’ve had my share
I’ll hold your beer , but I won’t go there

A guy whose face had been in the paper
Invited me to be a part of his caper
He said I’d regret it when I declined
He made the news again, when he got 99

I won’t do that, no Sir or Ma’am
I’d rather stay the just way that I am,
Neither rich nor out on the lam
But getting by the best that I can

He said to me, ” Let’s get rich quick!”
“This business plan is way too slick!”
Now, I don’t gamble, but I would wager
That he never got rich selling those old pagers

I won’t go there, I just can’t
I’m way too old to take such a chance
That’s how it is, spare me your rant
I make just enough down here at the plant.


Prisoner’s Unspoken Plea

Somebody coulda stayed up late last night, that wasn’t me
Somebody mighta kissed her late last night, it sure wasn’t me
Last night  was just like the night before
‘Lights  out’ at nine, then back on at four
whoever’s kissing  her, make her forget about me

Somebody else’s kisses woke her this morning, not mine
The elbow on my pillow, as she slips on a dress, sure isn’t mine
During first  head count my cell got tossed
cigarettes and privileges, both were lost
I missed breakfast, sure hope that he enjoyed mine

It’s me romancing her now, with her dancing
across the visiting room glancing at each other now
The guy who dreads seeing her tears, but knows
that she will come crying for the next 8-10 years
That she won’t find another is the worst of my fears

The mistakes I made, they won’t go away
‘What-ifs’ and ‘Why-dids’ fill my days
I hate for you to come to this place
Your Mom is right, so why can’t I say
Find yourself another man, one who disdains
the crooked ways? You deserve much better days.


We’re passin’ up the rest home, we’re not stopping at the doc’s
We’re not headed for a funeral, we’ve not been measured for a box
My passengers are Mothers, Grandmas and Pas and Aunts
When I take the old folks out to the dance

Watch your step Aunt Betty, Mrs. Richmond take my hand
Granny Shafer, go on in and save two tables near the band
Y’all turn back on your hearing aids so you can hear the man
Welcome you old folks to the dance.

As Merle Haggard’s Mama tries to steer him right
Widow Stephens gets to cloggin, and she is quite a sight
Everyone is gettin’ with it, their faces bright with grins
When the old folks start to dance.

Grandpa Carter stands stock still, taps his walker to the beat
It’s been three months since the stroke, for him  tonight’s a real treat
the rumors say that he and Aunt Faye were seen holding hands
On the way to the old folk’s dance

Through songs of love and loss, and booze and bosses and benders
Orthopedic heels kick up the dust, and thumbs hook in suspenders
String ties sway as couples sashay, Lindy-hop and prance
At the friday night old folks dance.

The band is playing their last set as we drive off the lot,
Some stare out the window, the rest asleep or deep in thought
Memories abound of  lost partners, spouses, and good friends
On our way from the old folks dance
I wonder if any seats will be empty next week,
When I bring the old folks to the dance.

Charm School, a country song

I’m havin’ trouble passin’ charm school
I can’t keep from tellin’ a fool he’s a fool
My social graces ain’t great,
I’m more or less late for almost every date
I think my switchblade makes a great dining tool

My honey moved out, leaving only a letter
said she’d come back when my manners got better
What could I say besides Hasta la Veesta
And can you maybe hook me up with your sister?

Said she was tired of doin’ all my fetchin’
of beer after beer that sets me to belchin’
I said ‘C’mon honey, at least I work steady
I’m feelin’ romantic, so go get the bed ready.

I’m rough around the edges that’s for sure
my manners ain’t pretty, my speech isn’t pure
when I drink tea, all my fingers touch the cup
I don’t say “charmed”, I say gurl, wassup?

They say that there’s a girl for every single guy
And you can find your soulmate if you only try
Be sure to tell the gal that fits me like a skin
she’s sure to like me for what she sees within
But my without is a pigsty, I’m as sloppy as sin

I never cover my mouth when I cough or sneeze
My best pair of pants have holes in the knees
I call ’em like I see ’em as a majority rule
Because I never quite finished up in finishin’ school