Stalag Blues: A Ripping Yarn Of British WWII Incompetence by Wing Commander Gary Hoadley (retd hurt)

melfamy:

File This under …I Wish I Had Written It!

Originally posted on The League Of Mental Men:

.stalag
British POWs seen relaxing after a gruelling session of tea drinking and hearty banter.
Stalag Luft 20 1945. A number of captured British airmen are deep in conversation.

“Look Bottom, there have been seven attempts at escape and all have failed”.
“I know Sir, but there were certain extenuating circumstances”.
“Such as?”
“They got caught Sir”.

Wing Commander Lampton paced the hut floor, as officer commanding, it 
Was his job to ensure every man did his duty by escaping from the Germans.
His number two, Captain Bottom DSO had been appointed escape coordinator.

“The thing is Sir, we suspect there is an informant”. said Bottom.
“A Hun nose poker inner?” replied Lampton.
“The very same Sir They seem to know our every move”.
“Who do we suspect?”
“It’s definitely the Germans Sir”.
“No, I mean the nosey parker”.
“Oh, I think it may be Gunner Fritz”.
“Why?”
“Just an…

View original 358 more words

A Meditation on the State Our Nation

CAN WE EVEN MEND THIS BROKEN LAND?*

I remember, back in the day, when trying to make a life

For one’s  family was easy enough to do

Keep your time card punched in, work 9-5,  an hour for lunch, then

What the heck’s happened to this land?

Our parents’ safety net has fallen down

No way to retire on this joke of a pension,

And everything seems upside down

The body politic is floundering

How did those losers ever win?

So tell me then, my homeless friend, when did your COBRA end?

I can still recall the ease with which I purchased DVD’s

Or any grown-up toy that caught my eye

Our church took up a collection,  just so we could afford to pay attention

WTF happened to the middle class?

The American dream has been outsourced

Why does a car cost more than internal organs?

We were safer on the back of  a horse

How can we mend this broken land?

Get it up and running once again?

I’d like to help out, but right now it’s time for CSI again.

(meant to be sung to the tune How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?)

Holyland—all-day passes available for 45.99

A town in Kentucky will soon be the site of a replica of Noah’s Ark http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/02/27/ark-encounter-theme-park/5881323/…. It is being built by the same people who own the Creation Museum that operates in a nearby town.

Now, I understand how some fussy people, overly obsessed with facts and reason, might object to the display on scientific, logical, and historical grounds. How could one family build such a large boat? How did they manage to squeeze two of every animal on Earth into a structure approximately 1/1000 the size of what would actually be necessary? One pair of animals lacks the genetic diversity to ensure the perpetuation of a species….yadda yadda yadda…..! Where were these nit-pickers when Disneyland was built? Talking mice don’t bother you, as long as they aren’t praying in public?
Well, I applaud the people of Williamstown, KY (town motto: Looking Backward At Tomorrow). This park will employ many folks and, at the rate of pay one can expect from faith-based businesses, that should mean an extra $15-20 per employee pumped into the local economy, before taxes and tithes, that is.
Look, we’re a Christian nation! Simulated depictions of Biblical events are important to the American psyche, and I think we can expect to see more, not less, must-see, gotta-go-to, Christian-themed attractions across America,places like these:

1) VENGEANCE-LAND–re-enacted, audio-animatronic, and acted-out depictions of God’s righteous fury. Once you pay, you step onto a moving sidewalk, and are ‘swallowed’ by a whale, in whose bowels, on the right, await the lions who don’t care for bald jokes. Coming up on your left, as we pass over the River of Blood, are the singing Dead Kids of Egypt.. As you squeeze out into daylight and fresh air once again, you will want to head for the next showing of the sack of Jericho. A brass band brings down the wall every hour on the half-hour. The raping and pillaging in the name of the Lord, as acted out by some amazing actors culled from regional high schools and stables, will fill the Soul and inspire the Spirit, yeah verily. After you’ve whipped a Pharisee or stoned a homosexual, don’t forget to visit the gift shop and pick up a statue of Lot’s wife, made from an actual block of salt.
2) Our Saviour’s Fish-n-Chips- The best fried fish around, but its popularity has worked against them. Instead of getting all-you-can-eat, there may be a wait of up to 40 days. ‘Fast’ food has a different meaning here.
3) Christian History World–The sun never sets on these depictions of vignettes ranging from the beginning of Earth’s 6000 years to the end of time. The main attraction is the hourly parade, led by Jesus and the Apostles riding their dinosaurs, followed by Abraham, Jacob, Joseph and his brothers, walking ten paces ahead of their wives. Plan on staying all day, as the employees disappear as part of the ‘Celebration of the Rapture’. The time varies, but it is always imminent.

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Corporate Citizens, Please Have Your ID Ready

Now that corporations, thanks to the Supreme Court’s decision re Citizens United, have been granted personhood, many questions come to mind:

1) Can companies that want to merge get hitched by the Vatican? BTW, shouldn’t the Catholic Church be registered as a sex offender?

2) Shouldn’t older, established companies that seek to buy smaller, younger firms be considered pervs? 

3) Will amnesty be granted to the 1000′s of illegal companias that can be expected to migrate northward, seeking economic freedom and a     larger customer base?

4) Are corporations male or female? I would say male, because they hate to admit when they’re wrong. However, try to get a straight answer from one about it’s latest quarterly loss…..

5) Could advertising now be considered Bragging, and thus frowned upon? (could be a bright side to Citizens united, after all)

6) I wonder how many famous corporations have been recruited into Scientology?

7) Do viruses that hack into corporate files now fall under the purview of the Center for Disease Control?

8) Does this make Warren Buffett and the Koch Brothers polygamists?

9) Is it true that Karl Rove was just hired by Wal-Mart to head an “exploratory committee”? And what are Exxon, Ford Motors, and Apple doing in Iowa this week?

10) If General Electric ever went private, would it have to change it’s name?

More later; right now, I have to get ready for my lunch date with this cute little start-up I met at Spinnaker’s.

Signs of Spring in North Bay County

Mountain Laurel blooming 289 Mountain Laurel blooming 277 Mountain Laurel blooming 270 Mountain Laurel blooming 265 Mountain Laurel blooming 228 Mountain Laurel blooming 223 Mountain Laurel blooming 220 Mountain Laurel blooming 214 Mountain Laurel blooming 210 Mountain Laurel blooming 208 Mountain Laurel blooming 206 Mountain Laurel blooming 169 Mountain Laurel blooming 160 Mountain Laurel blooming 153 Mountain Laurel blooming 151 Mountain Laurel blooming 142 Mountain Laurel blooming 138a Mountain Laurel blooming 138a Mountain Laurel blooming 143 Mountain Laurel blooming 149 Mountain Laurel blooming 151 Mountain Laurel blooming 153 Mountain Laurel blooming 208 Mountain Laurel blooming 223 Mountain Laurel blooming 230 Mountain Laurel blooming 259 Mountain Laurel blooming 275 Mountain Laurel blooming 277Signs of Spring in North Bay County

Song for the credulous

Fool Somebody

There’s a lie
A certain kind of lie
That will never appeal to me
That wouldn’t fool a blind donkey

But it fools you

Must be the way that liars say
Things so fantastically untrue
garbage a goat would refuse
But it fools you, m’gawd does it ever fool you, babe!
 
What the hell does it take.
tell me how can this spell I break?
You believe a right-winger
who crosses his fingers
When he talks to you
 
I don’t care
If my opinion you won’t share
Just please tell me where
you learned that telling lies is fair
That the truth is a game, where
You get to pick the facts
 that fit your story
Life ain’t that way, I’m sorry
All the facts you have to use, you cannot be choosy
 
It’s not enough to sound right
If you can’t tell heat from light
research and study
don’t trust anybody
Go now, seek the truth
 
You know you wouldn’t buy
A used car from that guy
He’s only using you
He’s a galoot, bullshit stuffed in a suit
He doesn’t believe himself, why do you?
Under his hairdo,
Nothing is there, boo
His words should scare you
 

BIEBER, LOHAN, and FORD

Does anybody here know what happened to Martin?
Who steered young Bieber wrong?
The last I heard he was high up in an airplane
Puking into his bong

Has ev’rybody heard about Toronto?
And Mayor Ford ‘s seeming lack of shame
He says he only gorged on beer, booze, and vino
To wash down his pills and cocaine

Has anybody heard much from Lindsey Lohan?
her star power is on the fade
That’s a given , she’s been in more prisons
Than flicks that she ever made.

Has anybody here spotted Miley lately?
which pole is she writhing upon?
I saw her last week, riding nude on a Harley
through the local Bed Bath, & Beyond

 

Has anybody here made a legal boo-boo
Yet avoided both judge and court?
Unless you’re famous, it won’t happen for you
Because you’re not Bieber, Lohan, or Ford

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